Category Mental Health

What Does it Mean to be Suicidal and Hopeful?

Two years ago, a friend of mine committed suicide. His name was Steve. When I first heard that he was dead, I was heartbroken. I was jealous. I was fiercely jealous that he had killed himself, he had gone through with it, he had died, and I had not. At the same time, I felt […]

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Where is God When I’m Suicidal?

Today is a beautiful day. Sixty-eight degrees, blue sky and sunshine. It is the kind of day you want to drink in slowly. And I am itching to kill myself. It is a compelling and urgent kind of suicidality. It has force to it. It is its own beast, removed from the context of my […]

Healing, Faith, and How God Surprises Me Sometimes

What if being “healthy” looks nothing like I thought it should? I have always operated under the assumption that being healthy means participating in a certain way in certain things, means engaging in life in a specific way, means being “normal” as other people define it. Only, my “normal” has been a miserable and unhealthy […]

My Informal Guide for Giving to Homeless Individuals

We all see the panhandlers on street-corners and freeway off-ramps, at bus and train stations, outside the grocery store. They are so common, you might not even notice them anymore. But they are there. And, if nothing else, the most important thing you can do is simply notice them. Smile. Wave. Say hi. Recognize their […]

The Safety Dance

I am always ready. Ready for hands to dart around corners, for shadows to come to life. I am ready for strangers to attack, for footsteps to mean someone is coming for me. I am ready for my nightmares to be real. I am on alert for voices to turn sharp and cold, I watch […]

Ghetto Dairy Queen Red

Today I came up with a new mindfulness game for myself. Because you need tricks for when inhabiting your body feels like hell. That probably sounds melodramatic for those of you fortunate enough not to share this experience. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss, appreciate that. For those of us whose brains and bodies don’t work […]

A Letter to My Abuser: Part 1

I don’t know your name. I don’t know the shape of your face, except in the shadows at night, and in the dark figures of my nightmares. I don’t know if I need to know who you are, if I ever will know. But I write this in an attempt to make you real. To […]

The Places I’ve Been

Dang, it’s been a long time since I’ve made an appearance here! I’ve had what I am calling “mental health adventures” these last few months. Which makes struggling sound almost doable, right? I decided I should make myself a Mental Health Bucket List (fyi it totally works retroactively): -Self-medicate with alcohol, get sober. (Check) -Try […]

Fun News And Some Recommended Reading

Some time ago, a friend suggested I check out The Mighty -a community produced blog site that publishes stories about “disability, disease and mental illness.” It has a wide range of articles written by those personally dealing with tough issues. It can be a great resource if you yourself are facing anything from chronic illness to […]

The Gift of Desperation

In AA we have this phrase we use, sometimes we refer to “the gift of desperation.” Meaning, that point of being so desperate that we were finally willing to do whatever it took to make changes, to try something new, to get better. It is the gift of desperation that brings us into the rooms […]