Category Faith

My Personal Intro to Christian Mysticism

Mysticism is a weird word, and for most people probably a particularly strange word to pair with “Christian.” It is a description I have come to embrace more over the years. Really, “Christian Mysticism” is such a broad umbrella label that many different facets of things fit under it—not all of which I would agree […]

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What Does it Mean to be Suicidal and Hopeful?

Two years ago, a friend of mine committed suicide. His name was Steve. When I first heard that he was dead, I was heartbroken. I was jealous. I was fiercely jealous that he had killed himself, he had gone through with it, he had died, and I had not. At the same time, I felt […]

Where is God When I’m Suicidal?

Today is a beautiful day. Sixty-eight degrees, blue sky and sunshine. It is the kind of day you want to drink in slowly. And I am itching to kill myself. It is a compelling and urgent kind of suicidality. It has force to it. It is its own beast, removed from the context of my […]

Work of the Lord

  A poem for my friend, Dave   Work of the Lord And the floor falls out from beneath you like you’ve been skating on ice, only you didn’t see the cracks. Fissures run from the crystalline, in between the pause of your breath. You don’t know the words but it may be that your […]

Living Water

I couldn’t sleep tonight, and somehow or other I came across this poem I wrote three Decembers ago. It is funny how sometimes my own words can be an important reminder to me—I was appreciating the perspective of the poem anyway. In the moment, it’s a truth I am finding hard to swallow.   Little […]

Healing, Faith, and How God Surprises Me Sometimes

What if being “healthy” looks nothing like I thought it should? I have always operated under the assumption that being healthy means participating in a certain way in certain things, means engaging in life in a specific way, means being “normal” as other people define it. Only, my “normal” has been a miserable and unhealthy […]

Worms and Wounds

Yesterday, I was sitting in the huge apple tree in our backyard. I love trees. I hate heights. Somehow I am okay if I am climbing a tree. This tree has a lot of lovely, thick branches that spread out almost horizontally. They are perfect for crawling out on and nesting yourself between. This is […]

When Death Is Beautiful

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Sunshine

On sunshiny days like today, it is difficult to not feel loved by God. I mean, I’m talented, so I do it all the time. But the sun feels like a hug wrapping around me. I get awed by the simple fact that God bothered to make a world so absolutely beautiful. Often, my greatest […]

Because Our Hearts Are Broken Together

The other day, I was bemoaning how the trauma of my past seems so much more debilitating than it could ever be helpful: to me, to others, to Christ. Helpful for the ultimate point of serving God better -or freaking serving him at all. I said to God, “wouldn’t I be so much more useful […]