I’m Six in Sober Years!

I hit six years sober earlier this week.

I don’t remember much about turning six the first time around. I had a new baby sister who had been born just a month beforehand. I liked to draw, and I, very briefly, had a ballet phase. I was really shy but feisty. I played soccer, and sometimes I gave the boy next door bloody noses.
I looked pretty much like this:
60584_440150226344_951524_n

Now, I am six years sober. I am re-learning how to describe myself. I have always believed I was whatever people said I was. Shy. Rebellious. Sweet. Sassy. Negative. Easygoing. Troublesome. Bold. Timid. I could be living a trouble free life, but if you told me I was a criminal, I would believe you. 

It’s taken a lot of layers peeled back to get where I am now. I have so many personas that it’s been hard to see myself amidst them.

I am still learning, like any six-year-old.
I know that I am still feisty. I am tender-hearted. I am brave. I have always thought of myself as a cynic, but I am realizing that I mostly see the best in people. I actually tend to be more trusting than I should. And yet I am not naive. I love people, but I admit I am stingy with my time. I am sarcastic—and I like that I am. I am earnest. I am sad. I am hopeful.
I am other things I don’t have words for yet. 60644175_327743688160232_263415644253323264_n

The longer I am sober, the more I unbury. Somewhere along the way, a long time ago, I decided that the safest way to live was to never fully be myself. That isn’t serving me well anymore. So I am an archaeological site that I am reluctantly excavating.
It is slow-going.
I guess I had a good twenty-four years of tenaciously burying things, so it shouldn’t surprise me that the digging up process is still ongoing. And really, I was still burying shit even after I got sober. I am well practiced at hiding. Less so at finding.

So I remind myself that if I can be sober for six years straight, I can probably do most anything. I can reclaim my self—myself as the soul that God crafted. I can find myself anew, and I can learn to be myself, boldly.

Here’s to six years sober and taking on the adventure of being a real, whole human. Whatever that may be.

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4 comments

  1. Beautifully written. Congratulations on your 6 years. Huge success!!!

  2. tony brouhard · · Reply

    very insightful and self aware. its a journey, maybe of a lifetime.
    good luck

  3. Tammy Babad · · Reply

    Awesome! It is definitely a journey of a lifetime. I am still growing into different parts of myself that were not part of my definition of who I was, like anger, and pettiness, and selfishness, and ease and relaxation and play. I am so glad to hear you are allowing yourself to be more of who you are. Lovely imagery and potent words in your writing, as always. You touch my heart.

  4. Wow.
    First of all – congratulations on the sobriety. Regarding excavating yourself – that’s so familiar, and thank you for putting it in words like that, I could have never done it…
    💜

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