The Art of Disappearing

It’s hardly an art though. Disappearing is regrettably easy. There are hundreds of ways to do it. Loudly. Quietly. Out with a bang. Into the shadows. We all disappear in small ways every day. Some of us more than others.
I am rather practiced at it myself. I have learned to be physically present, but not emotionally or spiritually. I withdraw into myself too easily. I disappear in silence.
I disappear into books, movies, sleep. I disappear into my room, my office, my car.
I try really hard to disappear from myself: I try cutting, I try drinking, I try eating and not eating. Running from yourself is the hardest disappearing act. You can’t do it.
I am over six months sober. Tonight I am fervently, earnestly planning a relapse. I can taste it. I can almost feel the cloud of fog at the edge of my vision, ready to embrace me into its oblivion.
There is a symphony of lies in my head. And I want to believe them. The truths that I am singing are harder, quieter. I am still learning all of their notes.
The lies are melodic and enchanting. Repeating in my head like well-known old friends.
I showered.
I checked my email.
I ate too many cookies.
I prayed.
I wandered around the house aimlessly.
I still plotted.
I am still sitting here, itching to claw my way out of my own head. The lesson I cannot seem to learn is finding peace in being myself. Embracing the soul that inhabits this body. Embracing the body that holds this soul.
I am fighting everyday, the learning to be ok in my own skin.
I want more, and less, and everything, and nothing. I run to the edges of myself and back. Again and again.
I’ve spent two-hundred-and-three days fighting the urge to hide in alcohol. Two-hundred-and-three days learning honesty and different ways to disappear –lessons of extremes I dabble in.
I am better at disappearing than I am at being present.
204 tomorrow.
I go to sleep now.
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2 comments

  1. “Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.” – Confucius

    I include that quote in a blog post entitled “Is AA the Way for Me?” I wrote that post two years ago and four years sober at the time. Nearly six years sober now, my answer to the question I pose would be…”Hell Yes!”. There is no way we can do sobriety alone. We need others like us in our lives daily.

    I graduated myself from AA three times. And each time, I would coast along for a year or a bit longer, before I crashed hard into depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation. The “but monkey’s” ruled the day. I would sit in a dry drunk, wanting my life to be over with. A great career (built back up) three incredible teen’s walking by and actually looking at me from time to time, and a supportive wife who “God only knows” why and how she hung in there.

    Today, I have my ass firmly planted among my peeps in AA. Staying out of my head and enjoying the daily reprieve we get from alcoholism. I’m working it an it’s working!

    1. Thanks for sharing! I found my way into the rooms of AA about six months ago –shortly after I stopped drinking. I was surprised by the warm and loving welcome. AA is definitely becoming a home to me.

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